I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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