plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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