Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
