I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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