Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
