Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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