i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
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