Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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