Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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