We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
