literally had 100 drinks last night.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
