All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
