you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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