nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
