i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
