who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
