What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
