im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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