I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The beer is more important than you right now.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
