I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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