the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
