I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
