They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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