thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
