You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
