a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize