I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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