I just threw up on my dentist
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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