YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just gift wrapped bread.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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