im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
