do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
