My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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