His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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