I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
