hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
