The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize