Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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