The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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