my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My ass is underappreciated
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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