he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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