How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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