How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
