You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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