I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
