how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize