did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
