U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
