I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
