when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Let's paint friendship bongs
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
