the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
