By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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