thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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