Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
