she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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