dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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