i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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