Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just invented taco cereal.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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