the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
