My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
