I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
