I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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