i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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