he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
