The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
