But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
